


12 years in Azkaban

by Chapterdaze



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Azkaban, Sirius Black in Azkaban
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25639219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chapterdaze/pseuds/Chapterdaze
Summary: Sirius remembers his past, his friends and his life in general as he tries to survive the daunting wizarding prison that is Azkaban. Follow Sirius and his thoughts as he tries to stay sane amidst the presence of Dementors and some very noisy inmates.





	12 years in Azkaban

Day 1  
I cannot believe it. I do not want to believe it. It is unimaginable. It is everything I feared, and worse. They’re dead - both of them, and It’s my fault. All my fault. And Harry, oh little Harry, my precious godson… Whatever shall become of you? No mother, no father, no uncle Sirius to keep you safe…   
And that while the actual traitor - the foul, loathsome, traitor of a rat - is roaming free. I tried to stop him, but I was too late. Poor James… Poor Lily… The devastation is too big, and their lifeless bodies too much to bear. I’d rather forget. I’d rather plunge myself into these murky waters and drown. But, as my cruel fate has it, all they do is rock me back to reality. Reality takes the form of a looming, tall structure, dead ahead. A facility that holds the most notorious witches and wizards of the modern times: Azkaban. Even if you make it off the island after your sentence, you never truly leave the place. Azkaban changes people, drives them insane. Ultimately, if you serve long enough, you’ll have the sweet release of death. It does not matter to me. Even with my life sentence, it feels like my soul has already left the realm of the living. Along with them…  
The auror shoves me towards the shore. It’s one of the last bits of kindness I’ll ever get from human kind. In Azkaban, you’re left with the dementors. Dark, undead creatures that feed on happiness. Their energy stealing powers is what keeps the prisoners under control. It will leave them too weak to rebel. Too weak to use magic of any kind. Too weak to function.   
I can hear the screams of the residents. I can feel their pain. I can taste their tears. I wish they were my own, but I’ve gone numb. In the span of mere hours I’ve felt it all: anger, sadness, and grief. There is nothing left. There will be nothing left.   
And yet, I cannot let Peter roam free - I’ve got to protect Harry somehow. I’m innocent, and that’s a fact I’ll stand by, no matter what. 

Day 30  
There is no light in Azkaban. No natural rays of the sun, or even reflective spots of moonlight make it through. I am not sure if this makes the stay more bearable or not. Not being able to see very well keeps us from seeing the dementors clearly. I do not want to see them. I wish to see colours again.   
I can’t make out if it’s day or night, and I’ve lost my sense of hours and minutes completely. I feel tired, but no desire to sleep. Sleep in Azkaban is filled with inescapable nightmares, much like the prison itself. All the numbness turns into despair and guilt. The first few times, I screamed. Lately, I’ve been having trouble conjuring the energy to make a sound at all.   
The dementors seem to influence my other senses as well. I constantly feel cold, unable to stop shivering. All I hear is the constant buzz of screams and my own ragged breath. I know that I am close to the sea, but I am unable to hear the waves, or smell the salty waters. All I smell is rot.   
My taste has been weakened as well. The little food they hand out here is tasteless. Somewhere, I long for nourishment, though the presence of these creatures rather makes it feel like there’s a constant weight in my stomach that prevents me from eating. I know that I need to to survive. Plenty of prisoners have succumbed to starvation. 

Day 54  
They have brought in new prisoners today. Among them was Crouch’s son. Even though I abandoned all hopes on a fair trial, it seems Crouch Jr. was here with the regards of Igor Karkaroff, who had been released from his sentence. Even if I tried, I don’t have any evidence proving my reliability. I wish Remus was here. he always had the brains to make a compelling case. I wonder what he’s doing now. I wonder what he’s thinking of me, or if he’s even thinking of me at all. If he believes the story of Peter’s death, there is a large chance that he wants to forget me. I don’t blame him. I was suspicious of him first.   
One of the aurors that brought the new prisoners in complained that they had to work tonight, on Christmas Eve. I’m not in a very festive mood, though I miraculously did regain a bit of my strength. But I doubt we’ll be receiving a festive dinner, or presents. It might be a family event though - I heard a lot of my cousins are in here too. How lovely. 

Day 167  
Barty Crouch came to visit today. Not that he’s here for me, though. No, he’s here to visit his son. He’s not taking life in Azkaban very well. He’s dying. I know the visit is just a facade. Crouch will be more than glad to see his disgrace of a son gone. I doubt he’ll retrieve the body when it happens. This means the dementors will have to bury him on the Azkaban grounds, in the graveyard. No tombstone with a honorable mention, just a mass grave made of infertile soil. Serves him right. I heard he’s in here because of torturing Frank and his wife. Luckily, he spared their son, who is about the same age as Harry. I wonder if they’ll go to Hogwarts together in the future. I hope Harry makes it into Gryffindor, like his mother and father. And his godfather of course. Not that he’ll know. I don’t think they’ll tell him about his dangerous, miserable caretaker. I hope he’s someplace nice. 

Day 214  
They have buried Barty. I saw them tow away the body. As expected, his father didn’t bother to show up. Disgustingly, I feel a weird kind of sympathy for the boy. I never had a very good bond with my father either. With neither of my parents, really. I don’t regret it. They are horrible human beings, the both of them. I do feel a twinge of regret for my little brother though. I guess he’s the one Barty reminded me of a bit. Though I wouldn’t want to swap them. My brother died on the battlefield presumably. I’d rather Barty traded places with the filth by the name of Peter. If I can’t finish the job of finishing him off, I’d rather have him die in here with me, or even receive the dementor’s kiss. Have his soul sucked out in the most vulgar way. I’m not sure Peter has much of a soul left, to be honest. Wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t after the way he treated his friends. 

Day 273  
I’ve only been carving dates into an old piece of newspaper since I pried it off of one of the aurors bringing in more death eaters, but if I’m not mistaken, it’s Harry’s birthday today. I’m sadly unable to attend, or send a present (Azkaban doesn’t have a postal service, can you believe it), but I did sing him a birthday song this morning. He’s two now, and I can imagine he’ll be looking more like his father every single day, doing his godfather proud. Apparently my singing was too off key, because the dementors showed up to see what’s wrong. I asked them to sing along, but their response wasn’t very pleasant. 

Day 305  
Today is the first day of Hogwarts. It’s now four years since I attended Hogwarts, but it seems like it has been much longer. With the war going on, and Lily and James getting married, and me moving out of James’ home to my own house, I’ve been too busy to realize it. It also means that we’ve spent a considerable amount of full moons in the woods behind my house. It was one of the main reasons for me to buy those grounds. Remus was so thankful he was at a loss for words. On the Hogwarts grounds, we were pretty limited, which was a good thing. A roaming werewolf can cause much trouble. I wonder how he’s holding up with his transformations right now. Poor Moony must be facing them on his own right now. I wish I could be there for him. 

Day 365  
It’s officially been one full year. I honestly didn't think I’d make it through a whole year alive. If you could really call it being alive. This also means it’s Hallowe’en. Though I haven’t seen much decorations around Azkaban for any holiday, they’ve really outdone themselves for this occasion. The dementors seem twice as creepy as usual. I’m dressed as an inmate, which is a rather classic Muggle costume, Lily has told me. It’s the anniversary of her death, as well as James. I still miss them every single moment that I’m here. I know I’d better save my strength, but I haven’t been able to stop crying all day.


End file.
